a time to be silent, and a time to speak

’tis the eve of the year 2013 and this is my first official blog entry to tick off one of my 2012 resolutions. Its 3:00am and I have so many things running in my mind.

One constant thought in my head right now is how I want this year to end for me. It’s been an emotion filled week for me, to say the least. And this is somewhat normal around this time of the year. I tend to over think about what happened in the year that just passed and how it was or wasn’t how I expected it to be.

For most of 2012 – it was a good year. Praise God for my friends and especially my family who got me through it all. Unfortunately due to recent events, Im finding it really hard for me to recall all the ‘good times’ that occurred in my life this year. But Im sure there are some.

And for those who are really interested in how my year was.. I recently volunteered to write a piece for a spoken word event. The theme was “Throwback ’12”.. and it sums up my year in one aspect.

 

“So unhappy, but safe as could be.
Passed on risks and opportunity
to be thrilled, scared – at least the good kind.
Coz on my mind the pain would rewind and rebound,
clash and collide.
So I insisted on comfort, persisted on being safe.
Looked left and right before I took the chances I would make.

But in twenty-twelve I tried something.
Decided to turn it out around to find something.
I wanted to mean something –
something someone, somewhere would see something
in me, that’s worth loving.
I knew I had to change my ways.
The way I love, the way I hate, the way I relied on fate.
But it turns out, it all came down to my faith.

On I went, tried something new.
Left behind the sadness, instead happiness I tried to pursue.
Like I’ve done multiple times but became too consumed
on the definitions, explanations and roles I assumed. 
Seeking happiness in the wrong corners,
waiting for approval in their voices.
Was I making the right choices?
Was I picking the right friends?
Was I loving to be loved?
Was I making amends?
Was I praising myself or my God who deserved the glory?
Was this just another chapter, or is this – the story?
Always in pain, always in strife and once again in my hand I find a knife….
Was this the story of my life?
Wasn’t happiness I was trying to find?
Wasn’t it my soul I was trying to save?
And it turns out, it all came down to my faith.

See my whole life I knew this all along.
Jesus my Saviour! Christ my Everlasting Hope.
He loves me, adores me and knows my worth.
And even though –
I’ve turned my back on him twice, plus a thousand and eight,
behind me He stays, my back He faces, in it, security He places.
And even though –
I’ve sinned through my addictions to transiently forget about my afflictions,
He forgives me and my complications through the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
And even though –
I seek love in people, and in materialistic needs and even in the food that I eat,
He knows, that I know, that true love is in Him and that’s enough until eternity.

So a throwback of twenty-twelve? Can’t say I’ve lived it completely faithfully.
Although this year was increasingly positive than the past year.
Quit my job twice. My heart broke for the ultimate price.
Worked hard and decreased a little in size.
Became an auntie and found new respect for parents.
Counted my blessings and calculated my merits.
But what matters most is the reason for my being.
The accounts in my choices. The purpose of my living.
The rationality in my conviction. The discernment in my prayers.
The sense in my making. The judgement of my affairs.
This year and all the others..
this was for my Heavenly Father.
Not for me, and not for them.
AD MAIOREM DEI GLORIAM.”

 

Thank you for reading. Happy New Year!

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