I was on struggle street in the year of 2011. It was a year of loss for me – the year I momentarily lost my service, my faith, my best friend, my motivation, my family, my self control, my inhibition, and so much more. Because of this, I felt like I spent the whole year drunk and hung over with sadness, loneliness and confusion. It was also a year of gain for me – the year I temporarily gained numbness through the pain, the most weight in my life, let the devil get in my mind, took up smoking and was diagnosed with Depression. So often I found myself crying, exhausted, angry, closed off and careless for no reason. It was a really tough year but praise God because I had 5 amazing friends who stood by me in the darkness. Including God, these people are worthy of mentioning because I owe them my life – Dana, Raimie, Ivy & Gel (thank you).
Closing off the year and completely aware of the hole I’ve dug myself in 2011, I knew I had to change my life. I knew that even though there were things that the people around me could do for me, at the end of the day it was up to me to decide. So I chose to be happy.
In 2012 my theme song was Happy by Leona Lewis. It was legit ma jam for the beginning of the year. It was sunset and I remember crying when I was driving alone in my car during one of first days of the year while belting this song. I recommend you to listen to the whole song but here’s the chorus:
So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down? So what if this world just throws me off the edge, my feet run out of ground. I gotta find my place. I wanna hear my sound. Don’t care about all the pain in front of me ‘cause I’m just trying to be happy, yeah. Just wanna be happy, yeah.
In 2012 I had accepted that all the pain behind me, ahead of me and around me were just challenges I had to overcome. Happiness was a choice, not a destination. It’s not a race. I read or heard from somewhere or someone (I don’t remember, but I don’t want to take credit for it) that if happiness was a destination, once you’ve reached it then what will come after? You’ll find another goal, object and/or person that you think will make you happy and it just becomes a cycle. Throughout your whole life you’ll constantly be in search of this happiness that you’re looking for because the world has identified it to be something tangible. But if happiness is a choice and you choose to be happy then whatever situation, hurdle and season life will throw at you, you’ll still find a way to be happy.
So in 2012 I jumped on this happy boat. And just like life as we know it, it wasn’t always smooth sailing. I still fell and grazed my knee a few times or going along with the nautical theme – I hit a couple of icebergs here and there (lol). But for the most part of it, I was happy. 2012 was a year of a lot of gains for me – the year I became an auntie and godmother to my beautiful niece; served in SFC; strengthened my friendships; landed two new jobs; moved into a bigger house; and went to Confession and Mass regularly. It was a year of loss too – the year I let go of my hurts from broken relationships; let go of the free fall bar at Questacon in Canberra; lost 5 kilos; quit two jobs; let go of some of my insecurities. It was a good year. PG!
2013, bring it!