a time to dance

 
I hate to bring up the past – especially when it comes to my hurts and my struggles. But sometimes it’s okay to look back, reflect on where you are now and realise how much stronger you’ve become.

I was on struggle street in the year of 2011. It was a year of loss for me – the year I momentarily lost my service, my faith, my best friend, my motivation, my family, my self control, my inhibition, and so much more. Because of this, I felt like I spent the whole year drunk and hung over with sadness, loneliness and confusion. It was also a year of gain for me – the year I temporarily gained numbness through the pain, the most weight in my life, let the devil get in my mind, took up smoking and was diagnosed with Depression. So often I found myself crying, exhausted, angry, closed off and careless for no reason. It was a really tough year but praise God because I had 5 amazing friends who stood by me in the darkness. Including God, these people are worthy of mentioning because I owe them my life – Dana, Raimie, Ivy & Gel (thank you).

Closing off the year and completely aware of the hole I’ve dug myself in 2011, I knew I had to change my life. I knew that even though there were things that the people around me could do for me, at the end of the day it was up to me to decide. So I chose to be happy.

In 2012 my theme song was Happy by Leona Lewis. It was legit ma jam for the beginning of the year. It was sunset and I remember crying when I was driving alone in my car during one of first days of the year while belting this song.  I recommend you to listen to the whole song but here’s the chorus:
So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down? So what if this world just throws me off the edge, my feet run out of ground. I gotta find my place. I wanna hear my sound. Don’t care about all the pain in front of me ‘cause I’m just trying to be happy, yeah. Just wanna be happy, yeah.

In 2012 I had accepted that all the pain behind me, ahead of me and around me were just challenges I had to overcome. Happiness was a choice, not a destination. It’s not a race. I read or heard from somewhere or someone (I don’t remember, but I don’t want to take credit for it) that if happiness was a destination, once you’ve reached it then what will come after? You’ll find another goal, object and/or person that you think will make you happy and it just becomes a cycle. Throughout your whole life you’ll constantly be in search of this happiness that you’re looking for because the world has identified it to be something tangible. But if happiness is a choice and you choose to be happy then whatever situation, hurdle and season life will throw at you, you’ll still find a way to be happy.

So in 2012 I jumped on this happy boat. And just like life as we know it, it wasn’t always smooth sailing. I still fell and grazed my knee a few times or going along with the nautical theme – I hit a couple of icebergs here and there (lol). But for the most part of it, I was happy. 2012 was a year of a lot of gains for me – the year I became an auntie and godmother to my beautiful niece; served in SFC; strengthened my friendships; landed two new jobs; moved into a bigger house; and went to Confession and Mass regularly. It was a year of loss too – the year I let go of my hurts from broken relationships; let go of the free fall bar at Questacon in Canberra; lost 5 kilos; quit two jobs; let go of some of my insecurities. It was a good year. PG!
 
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Now that were in the 2nd week 2013 I have managed to already injure both of my ankles and get sick (cold and flu) within the first week. I know what you’re thinking – typical Mez. But just you wait. This year, more than ever, I’m gonna let God work through me. And as He does, He just might surprise you on the work He’ll do through me.

2013, bring it!
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One thought on “a time to dance

  1. You have come a long way Mez! Praise God 🙂 I’m so glad that you made the decision to be happy, that’s so true about it being a choice. That’s a choice tht I myself have also subconsciously made myself. It makes life easier and reminds me to continually count my blessings.

    Btw I’m loving how your getting more creatively descriptive and metaphorical with your writing! =D

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