I write this as I try to comprehend and breakdown the past few months since my last blog. Within those months I experienced two quick but very different trips to the Philippines. Both trips took me on an emotional rollercoaster and allowed me to experience and desire things I never would have imagined.
And now I’m here. Back home. Completely overwhelmed by… everything.
The idea was to distract myself from being overwhelmed by all of it. You see, I know myself all too well and I knew that I had to schedule things into my day as soon as I landed so that I could deny myself of feeling tired and emotionally exhausted. But a 5 hour delay in our flight completely threw me off. And although it was an inconvenience, it was definitely a blessing in disguise.
This flight delay stuffed up my energy levels so I had no energy to drive to a friend’s party, basketball training, Mass in the morning with my mum, spend time with my family and watch a friend’s basketball game. Instead I spent almost 15 hours in bed, sleeping, thinking, crying and all in all, realising that these overwhelming “things” I was struggling to define was something else.
So I trusted in two of my closest friends and asked them to pray for me.
I can’t emphasise this enough but I truly believe that there’s a time for everything – everything happens for a reason.
After exerting enough energy to shower, get ready and drive to Mass, I realised this was the first time I’ve gone on my own in a while. Alone with Him, I poured out my doubts, worries, sorrows, worthlessness, pain, heartaches and anxieties. I cried out in the silence of my heart a prayer that I utter only when I’m desperate for answers…
“Lord, show me that You exist.”
Who was I to question Him. How dare I test Him. How dare I lose my trust! I laughed at my moment of weak distrust as I watched the priest consecrate the Eucharist. And then I cried. I cried because I was reminded of the magnitude of Jesus’ trust as He died on the cross for Love.
In the past few months I have led people to believe that I fully trusted that God had something better planned for me. I think a part of me did but most of me felt anxious. And the weight of this anxiety came to surface today which left me completely helpless. Until that moment, alone in with Him as He answered my prayer by gently whispering..
“Trust in Me.”
“Without the burden of afflictions it is impossible to reach the height of grace. The gift of grace increases as the struggle increases.” St. Rose of Lima
Sincerely His, – M.
Ps. Shout out to a m8 of mine who continuously reminded me to trust in Him. You are an inspiration!